Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
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i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself