This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
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I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
You can tell a lot about a person by autopsy.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
If you can’t handle me at my worst then you are tolerable of the right amount of bullshit.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?