Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
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If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Cndnsd Mlk
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Shower sex be like:
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.