“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
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every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?