him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
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The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh