Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
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men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.