HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
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Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)