HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
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Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Banking tips
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Flowers bee like
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going