That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
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“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Well well well…
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.