@djdarrellripley

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

- @djdarrellripley

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@Losephine

If you’re reading this fortune cookie, I am being held at the Golden Dragon Dumpling Outlet against my will. Send help.

@TheBoydP

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

@IamTMoS

I asked mom once how she knew dad was “the one”.
“because,” she replied, “DNA tests don’t lie.”

@ClichedOut

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

@NicCageMatch

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

@jlock17

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

@breatheandlove

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

@d_duhwit

Me: Cool car. I like the heated seats but they almost make it feel like I peed my pants. Lol
Her: It doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: I have peed my pants.