Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
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My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.