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@djdarrellripley: Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade...
@AmishPornStar1: My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch...
And then eat seven dinners.
@Barack_and_Joe: When your homie hyped you up to talk to a girl and you look back one last time before risking it all.
@PajamaStew: If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating "Little did they know..." over and over and over.
@ch000ch: [gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot's asleep
@SoulYodeler: Sorry I yelled "GET A ROOM!" at your grandson's wrestling tournament.