Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
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If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Well, shit
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.