Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
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At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
i dont have time for this
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
We’ve all been there
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.