@kidnapped_jesus

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

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@Mr_Kapowski

Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.

@chloethesiren

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

@dubstep4dads

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

@Home_Halfway

Not sure what to do with your hands while on a date? Carry two swords. Next question

@PaperWash

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

@MooseAllain

My friend’s organising a football match and asked if I’d like to make up the numbers. I suggested squix hundring and nankety noof.

@pmann555

They say it’s not the destination, it’s the journey………Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with diarrhea…

@michaelianblack

I like the way baseball players pick up each other’s bats after they cross home plate. More sports courtesy, please.

@Sims_was_here

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

@Lin_Baker

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO