Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
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ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
ME: Store credit, then?
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Not sure what to do with your hands while on a date? Carry two swords. Next question
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
My friend’s organising a football match and asked if I’d like to make up the numbers. I suggested squix hundring and nankety noof.
They say it’s not the destination, it’s the journey………Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with diarrhea…
I like the way baseball players pick up each other’s bats after they cross home plate. More sports courtesy, please.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO