Him: Mm girl, back that ass up.
Me: Like on iCloud or something?

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Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.


Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!


Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.


Me: *jazz hands*


It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.


We’d love to offer you the job
[My phone buzzes] Congrats on your 250? tweet!
ME [leaving]: Lol no thanks I won’t be needing to work anymore


If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes


I have a Victoria’s Secret model’s body!! (in my basement)


*does 3 or 4 pretty accurate karate kicks in front of a girl*
“Ya as I was saying my dad went to middle school with the drummer from Tesla”


me: *tries to help old lady cross the street*
old lady: I have a boyfriend.