Him: Mm girl, back that ass up.
Me: Like on iCloud or something?

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Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.


1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money


4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.


[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god


13 hung up on me, and 9 called me “Nagatha Christie”. It is wine o’clock.


My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”


3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.