@missmayn

Him: Mm girl, back that ass up.
Me: Like on iCloud or something?

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@neiltyson

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

@GoddessTitty

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

@theshantilly

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

@GrowlyGrego

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

@NicestHippo

We’d love to offer you the job
[My phone buzzes] Congrats on your 250? tweet!
ME [leaving]: Lol no thanks I won’t be needing to work anymore

@numbertze

If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes

@kellyoxford

I have a Victoria’s Secret model’s body!! (in my basement)

@rzarosco

*does 3 or 4 pretty accurate karate kicks in front of a girl*
“Ya as I was saying my dad went to middle school with the drummer from Tesla”

@BillMc7

me: *tries to help old lady cross the street*
old lady: I have a boyfriend.