Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
You Might Also Like
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I’m listening