@missmayn

Him: Mm girl, back that ass up.
Me: Like on iCloud or something?

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@bencoffeehall

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

@caliluvgirl77

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

@cafchaosgrace

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

@BlindChow

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

@LittleMissAngr1

13 hung up on me, and 9 called me “Nagatha Christie”. It is wine o’clock.

@Swain_Train47

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.