Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Him: Mm girl, back that ass up.
Me: Like on iCloud or something?
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1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Behind every YouTube star is an Ikea bookshelf
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
13 hung up on me, and 9 called me “Nagatha Christie”. It is wine o’clock.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.