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@missmayn: Him: Mm girl, back that ass up.
Me: Like on iCloud or something?
@underchilde: There’s not enough time in the day to stop and tell people they’re wrong.
@Carmensadie: Unless you're going to tell me there's a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
@ericsshadow: My father always told me "You can accomplish anything you set your mind to." I must have set my mind to calories.
@funnybeachgirl: Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he'll be too stoned to attack me.
@BoomBoomBetty: Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.