Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
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Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Meanwhile in Canada…
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III