@sixfootcandy

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

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@kornelski

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

@dtrainboy

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

@torrami

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

@stephenjmolloy

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

@tweetsbyrocket

[restaurant]

wife: i think we should have children

me: [disappointed] but I wanted pizza

@Jacob_Swift16

Therapy

Me: she never tells me anything
Her: He doesn’t listen
Me: that’s bs gimme an example
Her: I’m 8 months pregnant
Me: WHOA

@imchriskelly

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

@NewDadNotes

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

@ArfMeasures

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food