*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
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Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I need a headline like this