him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
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3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.