HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

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If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank


SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…


My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”


I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.


i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too


HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.


I aged about 2 years and counted 14,364 cat hairs on my cashiers blouse at Walmart waiting for her to ring up my groceries.


Me: There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Fisheries Guy: Actually the fish population is dwindling at an alarming rate
Me: You’re not helping