If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
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SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
is this too much to ask for
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I aged about 2 years and counted 14,364 cat hairs on my cashiers blouse at Walmart waiting for her to ring up my groceries.
Me: There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Fisheries Guy: Actually the fish population is dwindling at an alarming rate
Me: You’re not helping