HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
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I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Ron is short for Aaronald
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.