Imagine a shark eating pizza. Imagine you were frog. Imagine a donkey wearing a skirt. Imagine someone telling you to imagine stupid things.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
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“Forget our mess. I’ll go into the beauty of the natural world.”
*Planet Earth 2. 100 snakes swarm iguana baby*
“I’ll go back to the news.”
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.
And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”
I’m so emb-
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Cartoons lied to me as a child. I was lead to believe quicksand was going to be a much larger problem in life.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
You can lead a teenager to the dishwasher, but you can’t make him load it.
8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin
Me: You were a very hungry fetus-
Wife: Ok that’s enough time with Dad for today
Tonight’s flirtation brought to you by the letter Booze.
It’s a word? Whatever, man. I don’t know algebra and shit.
mom i AM the friend that jumps off the bridge