@ArfMeasures

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

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@neiltyson

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

@rockymomax

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

@daemonic3

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

@KyleMcDowell86

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

@TraylorParker

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

@KenJennings

Friday night is my weekly time to ponder…which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?

@theshamingofjay

Sometimes I end up watching cartoons after my kids have left the room. On a related note, has anyone seen my kids?

@Chelsea_Elle

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

@Parker_Simpson

I imagine it’s pretty humbling for someone who’s literally taking part in their first rodeo