Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
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COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Friday night is my weekly time to ponder…which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?
Sometimes I end up watching cartoons after my kids have left the room. On a related note, has anyone seen my kids?
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I imagine it’s pretty humbling for someone who’s literally taking part in their first rodeo