Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

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Imagine a shark eating pizza. Imagine you were frog. Imagine a donkey wearing a skirt. Imagine someone telling you to imagine stupid things.


“Forget our mess. I’ll go into the beauty of the natural world.”
*Planet Earth 2. 100 snakes swarm iguana baby*
“I’ll go back to the news.”


A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-


Cartoons lied to me as a child. I was lead to believe quicksand was going to be a much larger problem in life.


[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect


You can lead a teenager to the dishwasher, but you can’t make him load it.


8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin

Me: You were a very hungry fetus-

Wife: Ok that’s enough time with Dad for today


Tonight’s flirtation brought to you by the letter Booze.

It’s a word? Whatever, man. I don’t know algebra and shit.