When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
You Might Also Like
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
He’s cranky this morning
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*