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Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.
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If I ever lose my phone I want Liam Neeson looking for it
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
HAVE SOME FUN WITH YOUR LIFE:
Whisper “You should have killed me when you had the chance” to the person in the bathroom stall next to you.
Not to brag, but my cooking is the reason my girlfriend became a Vegan.
Feed a cold, starve a fever, wine and nacho a vaccination
Are your clothes meant to scream out “help” when you squeeze yourself into them?
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.