Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.

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Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!


Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow


Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired



Whisper “You should have killed me when you had the chance” to the person in the bathroom stall next to you.


Not to brag, but my cooking is the reason my girlfriend became a Vegan.


Are your clothes meant to scream out “help” when you squeeze yourself into them?


If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.


St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.