Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.

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MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy


If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.


I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.


Hear me out.

The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.

The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.

It’s a system I think would work.


waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle


[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname


Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS


I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”


Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.


When I was ten I played Secret Agent with my little brother. Turns out toddlers do not make good grappling hooks.