@sweetandweak

Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.

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@UncleDuke1969

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

@JessObsess

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

@pilau

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

@aPunch2theJunk

HAVE SOME FUN WITH YOUR LIFE:

Whisper “You should have killed me when you had the chance” to the person in the bathroom stall next to you.

@realHamOnWry

Not to brag, but my cooking is the reason my girlfriend became a Vegan.

@SoldHerSoul

Are your clothes meant to scream out “help” when you squeeze yourself into them?

@EndhooS

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

@BoomBoomBetty

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.