Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
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“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story