Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
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“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
If life has taught me anything, it’s that browser history repeats itself.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed their name to Cha Ching, then I don’t see the point of money.
me: [googling] depressed what do
google: consult a doctor
me: [googling again] depressed what do NO people NO talking
Dad: I had a son once
Stranger: what happened to him?
D: he touched the thermostat
Kid: dad, I’m like right here
D: you hear something?