@callmeEvian

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

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@BreneBrown

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

@HatfieldAnne

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

@GreenishDuck

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

@Freudianscript

If life has taught me anything, it’s that browser history repeats itself.

@Matt_The_1st

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

@chuuew

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

@MrAdamBez

If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed their name to Cha Ching, then I don’t see the point of money.

@tweetsbyrocket

me: [googling] depressed what do

google: consult a doctor

me: [googling again] depressed what do NO people NO talking

@DaddyJew

Dad: I had a son once

Stranger: what happened to him?

D: he touched the thermostat

Kid: dad, I’m like right here

D: you hear something?