Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
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4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind