I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Him: My voice is a little hoarse.
Me: You have a pony?!
Me: I wish I had a pony. *pouts*
You Might Also Like
Canadian Psycho, but it’s just a businessman walking around with a chainsaw, apologizing profusely
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I see dead people.
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs