Him: My voice is a little hoarse.
Me: You have a pony?!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: I wish I had a pony. *pouts*

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doctor: are you seeing a psychiatrist?

me: [currently sleeping with a shrink] like…professionally?


Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am


What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?


Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War


Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.


A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.


Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe


Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror


Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.


My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!