Him: My voice is a little hoarse.
Me: You have a pony?!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: I wish I had a pony. *pouts*

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Canadian Psycho, but it’s just a businessman walking around with a chainsaw, apologizing profusely


The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof


I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.


Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.


Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm


[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?


My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.


I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs