@_sleepysmile

Him: My voice is a little hoarse.
Me: You have a pony?!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: I wish I had a pony. *pouts*

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@caliluvgirl77

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Canadian Psycho, but it’s just a businessman walking around with a chainsaw, apologizing profusely

@robfee

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

@Wtftab

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

@DanielAda1960

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

@steeve_again

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

@Jake_Vig

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

@Brianhopecomedy

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

@SavoirFail

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs