Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
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me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
what?
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.