Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
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Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face