Oh, I can’t check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You’re saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
You Might Also Like
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
And the Lord said, ‘Let there be idiots.’
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
It’s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, “I love you” and they’re like, “thank you for choosing Domino’s.”
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.