Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

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Oh, I can’t check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You’re saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?


Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes


[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work


Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice


4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money


Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.


It’s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, “I love you” and they’re like, “thank you for choosing Domino’s.”


The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.


Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.