@Jamberee13

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

- @Jamberee13

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@jakob_huber

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

@KKAlThani

Autocorrect just changed “what are your plans” to “plants”. Yes autocorrect, I’m curious if they’re growing roses or sunflowers?

@Tazanna_Sandra

Never ask a man if he is single. Instead ask him “is anyone under the impression that they are in a relationship with you?”

@hippieswordfish

[preppin for rap battle]
*pops retainer out*
dont wanna give him any ammunition
*takes off suspenders*
that should do it
*rollerblades away*

@fro_vo

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

@oakhillbargrill

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

@TheToddWilliams

[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me