Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
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FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
concern
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.