him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
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“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.