Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
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“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
This is enough internet for the day.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
My whole life was a lie.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*