@Ivsy01

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

@SugarMagicSpice

I thought my apocalypse outfit would be more black leather and less jammies and bunny slippers.

@weinerdog4life

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

@JenniferJokes

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

@WheelTod

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

@NoToFeminism

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

@saltymamas

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

@ChickenFrecklez

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

@slimmy_shady

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

@TheAlexNevil

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.