HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
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Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Doctors texting each other.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
*checks Timeline*…
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.