Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
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I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.