@LindaInDisguise

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

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@jasonroeder

Next time a conspiracy theorist says, “That’s what they want you to think,” say, “No, but that’s what they wanted you to tell me.”

@caliluvgirl77

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

@KylePlantEmoji

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

@SerialFuckup

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

@stinky_blinders

My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C

@Darlainky

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

@TEXASVETERAN

I sing like Sinatra and have the brain of Einstein. I think that’s why girls call me Frankenstein.

@UnIxphysco

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes