Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
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The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback