Him: *recites romantic speech he wrote about his undying love for me*

Priest: And the bride?

Me: *realising my vows weren’t supposed to be a list of the shit I won’t put up with* um, pass.

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When I punish my 16 I don’t take away her phone I take away her charger and then I watch the fear in her eyes as her battery dies. It’s fun


Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.


I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”


BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*


Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?


An old guy at the gym told me I looked like his late wife. I’m hoping he meant while she was alive.


My kids are going to be so disappointed when they figure out peer pressure is a myth and they have to actually pay for drugs in high school.


Me: What kind of cake for your birthday?

Wife: Just something with chocolate

[later, me in the kitchen melting chocolate over a crab cake]


Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?