serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
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11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
…u ok Nintendo?
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited