Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
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Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
🙀🙀🙀😹
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Traveler’s camo
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?