Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
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Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
#SaturdayBears
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father