Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
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put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING