Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
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I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
North and South
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.