everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
You Might Also Like
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I’ve finally reached the age where I can’t function without my glasses…especially if they’re empty.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I’m 100% sure there’s a murderer in my bathroom.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?