@djdarrellripley

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

You Might Also Like

@InternetHippo

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

@NickSchug

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

@H0TMessBarbie

I’ve finally reached the age where I can’t function without my glasses…especially if they’re empty.

@Quartzjixler

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

@JustBeingEmma

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

@Tommytoughstuff

*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.

@Molly_Kats

The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I’m 100% sure there’s a murderer in my bathroom.

@Bob_Janke

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

@lincnotfound

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

@SassyChantelle

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?