Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
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Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.