Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
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Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Is….Is this an option?
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Me: *flirts*
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