Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

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“We need a name for this big flat state full of corn and you’re gonna be the one to do it”

“I…uhhh… Wha?”

“Nailed it. Next state.”


ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?


Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.


If Twitter adds an edit button you’ll retweet “I like kittens” and ten minutes later it’ll say “I drink period blood.”


The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth