@Pork_Chop_Hair

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

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@Sickayduh

“We need a name for this big flat state full of corn and you’re gonna be the one to do it”

“I…uhhh… Wha?”

“Nailed it. Next state.”

@amydillon

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

@jnrbtsn

Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.

@AGreaterMonster

If Twitter adds an edit button you’ll retweet “I like kittens” and ten minutes later it’ll say “I drink period blood.”

@mamapjs1

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

@yobrah_

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth