[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
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Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake