Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
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[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.