HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
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If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
being a writer on Twitter:
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
The Others (2001)
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning