@Shock_Monster

Him: Sir, you don’t have the experience or fitness to be a fireman.

Me: But, I got a mustache!

Him: That’s cat fur attached with frosting.

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@bingowings14

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

@EndhooS

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

@krisv_723

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

@jannable9

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

@thatUPSdude

Turns out you can’t bring your cat onto a bus even if he’s wearing a top hat and cape.

Trust me, was a surprise to Mr. Boots and I as well.

@HelmdawgE

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

@hippieswordfish

b-52’s songs:
-‘love shack’
-‘hate shed’
-‘sad tent’
-‘happy igloo’
-‘frustrated RV’
-‘depression garage’
-‘melancholy lake house’

@krisv_723

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

@CaucasianJames

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol