Him: Sir, you don’t have the experience or fitness to be a fireman.

Me: But, I got a mustache!

Him: That’s cat fur attached with frosting.

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Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.


Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea


Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?


Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.


Turns out you can’t bring your cat onto a bus even if he’s wearing a top hat and cape.

Trust me, was a surprise to Mr. Boots and I as well.


Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.


b-52’s songs:
-‘love shack’
-‘hate shed’
-‘sad tent’
-‘happy igloo’
-‘frustrated RV’
-‘depression garage’
-‘melancholy lake house’


Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”


hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol