Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you


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I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.


7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”



Well well well if it isn’t my old nemesis, long division.


Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse


I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.


COP: Damn I left my regular handcuffs at home, all I have is these candy handcuffs. I trust that u won’t eat ur way out of these


Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.


“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean