Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
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Nothing terrifies me more than hearing, “Mommy close your eyes I have a present.”
You can’t trust anyone you meet online
I went on a date with a guy I met online last week and stole $250 from him
last year, i went on a date with a dude and when i told him i was reading Animal Farm again, he laughed obnoxiously for an entire minute and said i was too old to be reading children’s books.
i think about that a lot.
…i wonder if he’s still an idiot.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Sneaking up on me from behind while I’m doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
God: They’re called mosquitos
Angel: I see
God: They suck people’s blood
Angel: And this somehow helps preserve a delicate ecosystem?
God: *shrugs* Makes em itch