@AbbieEvansXO

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

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@TweetPotato314

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

@mishakey

Nothing terrifies me more than hearing, “Mommy close your eyes I have a present.”

@Tresca69

You can’t trust anyone you meet online

I went on a date with a guy I met online last week and stole $250 from him

@om_eye_goodness

last year, i went on a date with a dude and when i told him i was reading Animal Farm again, he laughed obnoxiously for an entire minute and said i was too old to be reading children’s books.

i think about that a lot.

…i wonder if he’s still an idiot.

@thepunningman

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

@Leemanish

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

@DaddyJew

Sneaking up on me from behind while I’m doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife

@OneFunnyMummy

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

@thedadvocate01

God: They’re called mosquitos

Angel: I see

God: They suck people’s blood

Angel: And this somehow helps preserve a delicate ecosystem?

God: *shrugs* Makes em itch