@AbbieEvansXO

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

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@Mormonger

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

@clichedout

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

@caliluvgirl77

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

@clint_bing

*I knee slide down the aisle, microphone to lips*
ARE YOU READYYYYYYYY FOR JEFF’S FUNERAL?!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Pregnant coworker with 3 children who always complains about money: When are YOU going to start having kids?
Me: When are you going to stop?

@LlamaInaTux

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

@TragicAllyHere

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

@FINALLEVEL

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

@MissSassy_Pants

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.