Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you


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Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s


me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot


him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same


*I knee slide down the aisle, microphone to lips*


Pregnant coworker with 3 children who always complains about money: When are YOU going to start having kids?
Me: When are you going to stop?


Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up


[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me


Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.


The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.