Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
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My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Terribly Tuesday.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
somebody come look at this
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u