Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
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My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
that colleague who touches your screen
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird