Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
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Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance