Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
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“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
If by “chivalry is dead” you mean “I put my coat in a puddle for my wife so she’s making me do laundry for a week” then yes chivalry is dead
Your ex asking if you can still be friends is like kidnappers saying “keep in touch” after they let you go.
If you can fit all your liquor in a cabinet I question your commitment to alcohol.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Her: I’m a model.
Him: Oh cool, what agency?
Her: No, I’m an Instagram model.
Him: Ah ok. I used to be a sniper.
Her: Oh what, in the army?
Him: No, Call of Duty.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.