Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
You Might Also Like
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
next level snooze
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash