You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
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Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Facebook marketplace is a different world
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”